It’s hard to process the amount of time there actually is in a year because we forget most of it. Every day we make an infinite amount of little choices and decisions that shift the flowing fabric of our future. Each of these little ripples eventually culminate into what we are at this very moment in time. A lot can happen in a year. A lot can change. The change is inevitable, it would be a waste of time and effort to try and stop it. The trick is to make the “change” that will eventually come, work in your favor. Make that change something you want and yearn for. Make changes so that the fabric of your future is woven and stitched in a beautiful design that represents you, so that one day when it’s all over you can look back at the amazing tapestry you’ve created through your life. Make each year count. Make each moment count. Bring about a new chapter that will introduce contrast and texture to your being. Live not for your memories, but for the chance of creating new and more extravagant ones. Remember…a lot can happen in a year, so make it memorable.

Happy 20th Birthday Me.

I’ve always enjoyed pleasing you. Knowing how much you loved it and craved it made it even more exciting. Being so close and in the moment, you’re the only thing I’m focused on. It’s like my senses would heighten and I could see, feel, and taste you so much more. I’ve developed an addiction to your movements and muted moans so no one would hear you. Sex is good but it was never just sex.

More than 2 years of hearing your voice every night and now I’ve heard nothing for 2 weeks. My memory is too strong to just forget you. I just hate giving up, especially on you.

Going through my days with only my mind to listen to. Keeping interesting stories to myself. Weekends alone in my bed. Slowly transitioning back into my former lifestyle. It’s weird because I’m actually fine. I’m me. It’s weird because, though I knew I would be ok, I don’t want to be ok with it. I don’t want time to fade my emotions. I don’t want to no longer love you. I don’t want to forget. Everyone eventually gets over old emotions, but who says I want to?

I never really talk about serious emotion publicly and I’m not the type of person to put shit out there but things right now are just different. So many things have been running through my mind. All these unanswered question are constantly bringing themselves up and I lose focus. I hate that I always ask why. Why wasn’t I given a chance? Why didn’t I see this coming? Why do I feel like I fucked up? My mind is always wondering things, which often keep me up at night. I feel like you wanted something that you never gave me a chance to give you. You wanted acceptance. You wanted me to accept the “new” you. I wish I knew how to accept things easily but I’m sure everyone wishes that. But then here goes my mind again asking all these questions. How do I accept that “new” you when I felt like that person didn’t want me? How do I accept things that I was never given a chance to be a part of? How am I supposed to lighten up on things when doing them behind my back would make it worse? Why is it that I felt left out but in the end you told me I left you out? All of these questions just make me go crazy because I know they will never be answered.  Still, after all these things that I’ve realized, there’s still one question I ask myself. Why can’t I let you go?